I'm 36 and Blessed.

I'm pregnant.  There, I said it to the world.  And it's not like I'm shocked or anything, it's just that the doctors and the  pregnancy blogs sorta kinda pumped a little fear in my heart.  And it's crazy because this is not baby #1.  This is baby #6!  I've been pregnant for 6 years straight now!  The issue is my age and some spotting.  All of the pregnancy blogs say I'm too old to produce a child or a normal child.  The doctor acted as if he was telling me I had 2 weeks to live.  He told me in the most funeral home type  of way, " your spotting coupled with your age, this could be a miscarriage in progress, and there is nothing we can do."  A miscarriage in progress?  You send me home with that!!!!???!!!  In progress, how long does it take?  I mean seriously if The Lord had not saved me, and gave me his Word to lean on, I would be extremely sad everyday wondering if my baby is still slowly dying in my stomach.  

I don't know what a miscarriage in progress is.  I don't want to know.  I do know that the creator of the universe is my God.  And He is sovereign.  And not only is he sovereign, but he is good.  And in his Word that he gave me, he told me that He would never leave me and that the events that happen in my life will be for my good, and will bring him glory.  So, if I am blessed with baby #6  or blessed with an amazing testimony of how God comforts us perfectly, I am blessed, and it is good.

Changes

Whew!!! That was a long time, wasn't it? I know, way too long.  You would not believe how busy life gets when you decide to add something else to the routine.  I mean the second I said I am going to blog, life just put the pedal to the metal!

  I think we have seen more changes this year than any of the total 7 years we have been together as a family. And change is not always bad, but it can be a little interesting.  

  Meanwhile, parenting is still parenting.  Always promising to challenge me and never missing a beat.  My infant is now a big girl and my big girls are now toddlers and my toddler is now a preschooler and my preschooler is somewhere between kindergarten and grown independent young man.  And I'm 36!  

  I thank God for another year in him because at 36, my own mother had lost all hope for herself and had already given up her kids to what looked like a better life for them.  It wasn't, but like I said, she had lost all hope for herself.  And not to sound ungrateful for my life when I say it wasn't a better life, it just wasn't what she thought it would have been for us.  But it was best.  It was best because of who I am today.  I am a child of the Most High God.  My life was already planned out!  He used the foster homes and group homes.  He used the failed relationships.  I have learned in my walk with Christ that our circumstances are not only temporary but are purposeful.

  So while some days I may feel like it's me against the kids and they are winning, I know that's not the case and I can take it.  I know that God himself has called me to be a mom.  And with each passing, challenging, ever changing day, God's word promises to strengthen me, for each circumstance.

Truth and Lies

Ok so I have to confess, I have missed you.  I have.  I have been wanting to blog and tell you everything but I couldn't.  I was stuck in the "you're not good enough/smart enough/neat enough and yes, white enough" to blog lie.  My past and other lies about who I was, started to creep in with every blog I read from other SAHMs, and with every flawless "selfie" I saw on Instagram.  I started to compare. "Can anything good come from 81st and Hoover?  But my second foster home was in Diamond Bar!"  Yes, these crazy thoughts paralyzed me.  And so I couldn't blog.  All I could do is self medicate with Candy Crush.  And since I've been stuck on level 147 for almost a month, I think it's ok to say that it's not working.  

So, how did I get here?  Well, I casually told my husband why I stopped blogging.  I told him what was on my heart and all the crazy thoughts.  He was shocked .  I was shocked that he was shocked!  Not that I doubted his love and care for me, but his concern for my little blog.  He was concerned about my feelings, my heart.  He was concerned about his wife being attacked with lies from the enemy!  He assured me with his words that felt like his arms had just wrapped around me and pulled me to safety.  He told me to please continue my blog because he loved reading it.  

This experience has taught me some things.  One thing in particular that stands out to me is the power of words.  Whether they are true or not, words can hurt and heal.  

I pray that The Lord will use my words to heal.

Patiently Waiting for Perfection, at The Bus Stop

Have you ever had to wait on the bus?  Didn't it always seem like you were waiting for like ever?  Or how about waiting on your parents or older siblings to pick you up from somewhere.  Were they not almost always late?  Mine were.  And their 10 minutes was more like 30 minutes.  Looking back on it, it could have been less than 30 minutes, but because I was ready to be picked up,  the wait seemed like forever.  Patience is something that must be given from God!

Today, I can say I have some patience.  The Lord gave it to me.  But I still fail in that area.  Choosing to ignore what he gave me because impatience is so familiar.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still waiting to get picked up.  Only in the form of having perfect kids, perfect finances, being perfect and having the perfect husband.  

But, Christ already gave me what I need.  I've been picked up.  My husband is the perfect husband, for me.  And my kids who cannot sit still for more than 2 minutes, yep they are perfect too, perfect for me.  And I am perfect.  I am perfect at not grasping how to make enchilladas, no matter how easy the recipe is.  Which is perfect for my husband who loves to cook.   I am perfect at eating unhealthy.  Which is perfect for my kids who prefer a fast food hamburger over a homemade turkey burger.  And my timing, I am perfect at being at least 10 to 20 minutes late to anything.  Which is perfect for my friends, God is using me to teach them patience!   :-)

I may not be perfect in everyone's eyes and that's ok.  Be patient, and let The Lord show you what he see's, in me and in you.

It's Testimony Time!!!

What is your testimony?  What miracle did God do in your life to bring you into salvation?  Do you ever stop to think about how the change he has made in you is nothing short of a miracle ?  It is.  He actually changed your wants and desires.  He gave you the mental and physical strength to disobey your flesh.  Every Christian has a testimony.  Every Christian  has a past.  And as a result, every Christian is a walking miracle.  But sometimes, we don't act like it.  Sometimes we don't look like it and we don't feel like it.

I remember when I first became a Christian,  I didn't even know what a testimony was.  I equated the word testimony with the older women who would sing how God brought them from a " mighty long way."  And once I found out what was a testimony, I ignorantly shrugged it off thinking mine wasn't that big, nothing to talk about.  Saying, without saying," my sins are not so bad."  Unconsciously, labeling sins like fries, small, medium and large.

I'm not sure when I first started, but at one point in my life I made it a game to physically steal something everyday.  And I was very successful.  And one day, literally right after I had stolen something, I felt guilty.  I mean like super guilty.  I couldn't ignore the thoughts telling me I was wrong for stealing.  It was like God had came over the p a system in my head and just started telling me how I knew better and how wrong I was.  It was blaring.  It was so loud no other thoughts could even get in!  

Now, you would think,  if taking something was so easy for me, putting it back would be just as easy, right? No!  I walked back into the establishment, nervous and all uncomfortable.  I quickly and casually put the item back where I got it from.  Walked out of there and never stole a single thing like that again.   (I say " like that again" because I have come home with office pens and sticky pads before and even though we don't really call it stealing, it is.).  

Now that was major.  I was addicted to stealing and The Holy Spirit had to convict me.  I was addicted to alcohol, I was addicted to my flesh.  I use to look to everything but God,  for comfort, joy, peace, excitement and fulfillment.  And he changed me!  That is major.  But what I did and what some of us still do is compare and label.  I labeled sins as small medium and large and then I compared my sins to others.  So, when it was time to share my testimony, I would begin with a shrug and say well it was nothing major.

 But if our testimony is so minor, so basic like we sometimes believe, then we wouldn't have needed a savior.  Jesus Christ did not come to earth and get brutally killed for nothing.  There is no such thing as small, medium and large sins. My sin of stealing was just as bad as someone else's sin of adultery or murder or homosexuality.

So, the next time you have the opportunity to share your testimony, share it!  Share it gladly.  Don't be ashamed of it or fall for the lie that your testimony is nothing.  Your testimony is amazing.  And if Christ is your savior, he gave that testimony to You! 

The S Word

So, can  I be honest about something?  Thank you.  You know how the magazines tell us we can lose all this weight and look sexy again after having the baby?  Or, remember how Justin Timberlake had everyone "bringin sexy back"?  Well, I don't feel sexy.  Not all the time.  I mean, I am not walking around just feeling sexy.  I lost the weight.  I don't look 12 but I shouldn't because I'm not, but I am at my Wedding Day weight.  Which is great, I just don't feel sexy.  I feel like I am a child of God,  someone's wife, and a mother of a lot of kids.  Juggling sippy cups, getting in and out the van, homeschooling and finding bottles, nothing sexy about that.  And I'm not complaining, this is my life, my calling, and I love it, I just think society and Justin has it wrong when it comes to women and being sexy.

I remember being single and wanting the attention of a man.  I remember wearing the low cut tops, and the low cut dresses.  I felt sexy then.  But it wasn't a real sexiness.  It was a sin filled satanic desire to lure men my way.  I didn't even want the men as much as I wanted the attention.  A sort of Jezebelesque quality.

If we hold to the definition of sexy as arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest, then I don't think Christian women should walk outside of their home with the feeling of sexy.  I am not saying don't look sexy for your husband.  Society has established sexy as the look, feeling and behavior all women should obtain and have at all times.  But our Creator, the Maker of all humans, has already given his creation, the woman, a standard and model to obtain.  So go read Titus 2 and Proverbs 31.  :-)  (a nod to the popular scripture)

Fried Chicken

I am a hypocrite.  I am patiently waiting for my kids to go upstairs after eating a great dinner, (spaghetti) so I can feast on a peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwich.  I would never, in a million years let them eat a PB&J sandwich for dinner when a perfectly good meal has been prepared for them.  And I know it is wrong, hence I am hiding it from them.
When I was little I remember my mother saying "Do as I say, not as I do!"  Total hypocrisy!  And I would get upset because my thinking was, well if you are doing it and are fine, I want to do it too!  Now that I am older, I find myself on the other side of the conversation.  And it's still hypocrisy!  If they only knew, I do not like tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, or liver, but if dinner is made with either one of those ingredients, I would strongly suggest they eat it, or wake up the next morning, hungry!
Hypocrisy is so disappointing.  And in the world of fair and unfair, well you know, it's not fair.  But another angle of this, that is convicting is that while my skewed logic says I want my kids to eat what is good for their bodies, heart and mind, I myself am doing something that could potentially be very bad for them, heart and mind.  If I was to die from bad eating habits at an early age, my kids would be devastated.  So, essentially, I am hurting not only myself, but my babies, by devouring things I know is not good for me.
One day. I will be able to say I used to love fried chicken, or a nice big BLT hold the L and T.  Unfortunately today is not that day.  The sandwich has been devoured and I had fried chicken the other day.
  

The Mirror

Confession, I love reading women blogs.  I especially love reading stay at home/homeschooling mom blogs.  Although we are all different, every time I  log on to read one of those blogs, I feel like I am apart of some giant Borg.  (no apologies, I love TNG Star Trek)  We all talk about the same thing at the same time, which is like all the time.  Children, homeschooling, curriculum, Husbands, cleaning and being a better mom and wife.  Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 are popular scripture on our blogs.  Oh and homemade casseroles and  homemade laundry detergents are also very popular.  But sometimes, there is a glitch in my system.  I feel like we don't talk enough about the mom whose favorite scripture is not Proverbs 31 but more like 1 Corinthians 10:13.  The mom who never had control of her temper to begin with, so it is always deemed lost.
A few months ago, I notice something about myself.  I noticed that throughout the day, my face was frowning.  For no particular reason, it was just straight and mean looking.  I was not feeling angry or sad, but my face did not look happy.  I remember glancing  into a mirror one day as I walked by it.  I stopped and walked back to the mirror and looked at my face.  It looked as if I had just got into a heated argument and I was about to go off on someone.  Then the Lord said to me in that still quiet voice, "That is the face looking back at your children."  That right there.  Wow.  I was so shocked and saddened.  It hurt to think that I was walking around with a mean frown on my face, talking to my children with a frown on my face.  From that day on, I decided to be aware of the face looking back at my children, because the mirror is not the only one that shows a reflection of me.

Quiet Time and Candy Crush

Sometimes, I have the perfect setting in my home.  Dishes are done, house is somewhat clean, the kids are quiet and there is a little time to play Candy Crush.  This moment of my day is so good.  Even if I can't pass level 102, just the quietness in my house alone makes me smile.  I hope to pass on this love for quiet times to my children.  I hope to pass on the sight of  beauty in quietness. I want to teach them now that God is in the quiet times as well as the storm.  I have glimpses of hope when I hear one of them say something is too loud, I smile.  Other times however, they are the ones that are too loud, and smiling.  Right now when I ask them to be quiet and just sit, it is like pure torture for them.  Even their whispers are heard in the next room!  Their "inside voices", are as loud as I am when I have to yell at them to be quiet.  And not yelling in a sinful manner, (although sometimes  I do, but we will save that lesson for another day :-( ) but just trying to get their attention.  And the whopper, when they look at me and ask why am I yelling.
But, I digress, this right now is one of those perfect settings.  I am still on level 102.  I don't think I am going to ever pass that level.  A couple of the kids are asleep.  I hear a few voices upstairs, but the sleep may be overtaking them, or someone is talking to them self.  And for the most part, my house is quiet.  And I am smiling.  

Hellooooo!

Well hello there!  Thank you for stopping by.  It feels a little strange writing down daily or weekly events from my life.  I know its totally acceptable and even encouraged today, but a part of me thinks, "Why would anyone care?"  Well, if you are like me, that thought pops up very often, and I have come to see it as a distraction.  Not to say that I am this totally interesting person who has more words than time to tell about my life altering adventures, but I do know this much, we are all human.  And that one commonality allows us to relate to each other by way of  personal stories, be it at home, school, work or even the local market.  So, without further intro ramblings, I present to you my personal, almost daily blog, about my life and our commonalities.